No, this entry is not about the movie with the same title starring Angelina Jolie. Tammy just asked me this morning during service on how often I updated my blog. I told her I update my blog whenever I feel like it. Yah now is the whenever-I-feel-like-it time and this is the whenever-I-feel-like-it entry.

My darling is sleeping right beside me now, he just dozed off after murmuring, "You not sleeping? Why you want to go online for....?". It is that usual time on Sundays where both of us will just doze off after watching tv or rented DVDs and wake up just in time for a late dinner.

Had a meaningful message this morning during service by guest speaker Ms Sharon Goh. She seems really motherly talking to us. I guess her motherly instincts are on high since she is carrying her first child. (Congrats!) She left us with two thoughts and a song:

Move On.
Dont Look Back.

"I have decided to follow Jesus. (3x)
No turning back, no turning back.

The cross before me
the world behind me. (3x)
No turning back, no turning back."

The first two thoughts of which I have always been advocating in my blog. Focus on the present, forget the past and move on. The latter, the song touched deep into my heart. As I sang the song together with the rest of the youth, I had to blink a couple of times to stop the tears threatening to fall. There are so many times I have been so caught up with worldly issues that I forgot about what should be the main focus: God. "The cross before me, the world behind me." Many a times I look back at the world and forgot about the cross before me. I immediately took out my handphone and start erasing my to-buy list containing the Mango shrug or the Paul & Joe lipgloss and started searching for my to-do list that I had created some time back containing things like doing daily bible study with darling or taking piano lessons so that one day I will be able to serve God in the music ministry. Where was it? It was long erased and forgotten, citing selfish reasons like I dont have the time nor money. There was no determination, there was no God as the central focus. All I cared was buying the pink Mango shrug before it was sold out or the Lee Hwa purple gold accessories which was definately out of my budget. Seriously, will we be able to bring all these things to heaven when we die?? Needless to say, that is a rhetorical question.

The song also created another line of thoughts in my head. I was sharing with Claire in a personal note on how God had placed Paul in my life as part of His plan for me. When I was younger I prayed to God almost everyday. You can say that my walk with God has been very close. However when I grew older, I drifted away from God, praying to Him only when exams are near or when I am in need of some help. It was only after I met Paul that I realised how much I had drifted away from God. I being to yearn and thirst for Him again. I always thought that like in the story of the Prodigal son, I was the son who stayed at home, serving the Lord without much "happenings" in my life or some life-changing event that will turn my life around and will make me treasure God more. Little did I know that I had become the other son, the one that went out into the world to "party" and forgot about God. God pulled me back to him by placing Paul in my life. And all the problems I had to deal with just to be with Paul. It is through all these problems that I begin to find my way back home again. Back to the arms of God. Oh how God works in his mysterious ways.

Although I had and have to go through many trails and tribulations with my family, relatives and friends but each process made me stronger and sure of my focus.There were many times I feel like giving up to save me all the hassle. Marriage is not the end, there will always be problems of religon even after we marry. But just the thought of not being with darling breaks my heart. He is the ONE and there is no turning back. There is no more what-ifs or should-have-been once I have decided to be with my darling. Just like when I have decided to follow Jesus. There is no turning back, no turning back.